I'M SO GODDAMN ANGRY...FUMING AND STEAMING...YOU SHOULD BE GODDAMN ANGRY...FUMING AND STEAMING...

Hey everyone. I am really struggling with Information Control. I have been working through the first component's episode and I have become soooooooooooo angry... so goddamn angry. First, let me list what I'm angry about. Not for any other reason other than these things can't just live in my head anymore, like Halsey so beautifully sings, "so you know you don't keep 'em for yourself".

1. I'm so goddamn angry because as I have gone through the past year of learning about myself, I have learned that my scope of the world is so fucking distorted because of growing up in a cult where the information I was allowed to receive was filtered through the cult leaders fucking mouth.

2. I'm so goddamn angry because my mother, a well educated woman with the papers to back it up (god I'm shaking as I'm ever writing this...), allowed a man to manipulate her and myself to the point of no return (for her); and, the point of claiming so many years of my life. Like damn it Momi, you were so fucking smart and that man RUINED our lives and claimed the rest of yours. BUT, I will NOT let him claim anymore of mine. NO way. NO how.

3. I'm so goddamn angry because I have had to learn about the world by watching bad role models. When I was in the cult, I had bad role models who shapes my view of the world. When I finally left the cult, I looked for people who could protect me and that got me in a string of bad relationships that lasted a decade.

4. I'm so goddamn angry that when people ask me "have you seen/heard/watched/ XYZ?" I feel so disconnected when I have to say "no" because I wasn't allowed to consume ANYTHING that wasn't a direct product of the cult. I feel so disconnected from my friends

I just really needed to get this out of my head. I have been so angry. Thanks for listening.

-Jezebel Freedom